Lucre the Matchmaker
by toasty1
Summary: More of a comedy than a romance, but it is DS. Characters include Frugal Lucre, Dr. Drakken, Shego, Mrs. Lipsky and Motor Ed.
1. February 15th

Frugal Lucre trudged his way up the high peaks of a mountain, a heavy sack over one shoulder, grunting with weariness as he shouldered his burden.

"Whew." He stopped, and wiped his brow. He felt a bit dizzy, but a bit giddy with excitement too.

He rapped his broad knuckles upon the metallic doors and they opened for him, and as he entered the evil lair he announced triumphantly and perhaps annoyingly "Guess who got a bargaaaain??"

Shego didn't look up from her magazine. Drakken didn't look up from his desk, where he appeared to be designing a blueprint.

"Helllooo?? What's a guy gotta do to get noticed around here?"

Shego looked up, looked at the bundle on the floor, and smirked. It was plainly filled with Valentines goodies.

"Lucre, do you know what day it is?"

"Of course I do" Lucre preened, delighted at getting someone's attention. "Only one of my favorite days of the year. February 15th!"

"And you do know Valentine's day is on the 14th don't you?"

"Of course I do, of course I do, we moved a lot of merchandise on Valentine's day at Smarty Mart, the best chocolate day of the year after Easter and Halloween." Lucre reminisced.

"But", continued the world's cheapest villain, "I never pay full price." And he stated this as if it were as grandiose an achievement as "I routinely perform brain surgery".

Shego rolled her eyes and let out a loud guffaw. Having Lucre as well as Dr. D around gave her two targets for her rage for the price of one, you might say.

"Anyway, romance lovers may have February 14th, but bargain lovers have February 15th!" Every piece of chocolate in this bag was marked down 90!"

Finally Lucre had caught Dr. Drakken's attention. The blue skinned doc looked up from his work.

"And chocolate lovers" he proclaimed in a singsong voice, reaching for a heart in red foil. He peeled back the foil and took a bite "delicious."

Shego upended the entire sack of goodies. It was even worse then she thought. Tacky cupids competed with kissy lips and plastic teddy bears filled with jelly beans for the some of the most sappiest and disgusting objects she had ever laid eyes on. And she'd been to DNAmy's house, so that was saying something.

"Lucre, we do not celebrate Valentines day in this lair. It goes against everything I stand for."

"But Shego…" protested Drakken, his mouth and hands gooey with chocolate "this isn't about love and romance, it's about cheap chocolate."

Lucre stood with his hands on his hips. "I'm glad somebody understands. Looks like you just don't get it Shego." He shook his head sadly.

Drakken didn't even glance up from his bag of goodies as Shego exited the control room, fuming.

Later on in the afternoon, Dr. Drakken was reading the paper. He had eaten his fill of chocolate and more, and was feeling a little bit queasy.

The lead story did little to calm his stomach.

"Up and Coming Supervillain 'Chocolate Sauce' Tries to Steal Valentine's Day"

"I don't even want to read the word chocolate" he complained to himself.

He read on that Kim Possible had defeated the new villain and felt even sicker. Drakken groaned and laid the paper aside.

As he undid his belt, he decided that the blame for his chocolate binge lay at the door of one person and one person alone – Frugal Lucre. "What was I thinking letting Lucre stay at the lair anyway? I'll threaten to raise his rent – that'll get rid of him." And this brought a small grin to the face of the Doctor.

As it happened the lair was littered with chocolate wrappers, empty heart shaped boxes, and the like, but Dr. Drakken didn't want to do any tidying up.

"Lucre, get in here and clean up this mess!"

Well Lucre came in all right – after a few minutes, anyway – but he wasn't alone.

"Drewbie! I was just talking to this nice young man, it's so nice to see you made a friend!"

"Mmmother?" Dr. Drakken stammered.

"Such a nice young man to give me a lift up this mountain… I'm not as young as I used to be, why don't you find a nice one story house at ground level Drewbie?"

"I … uh… to what do we owe this unexpected pleasure?"

"As if I need a reason to visit my only son!"

Mama Lipsky's small black eyes scanned the control room. Death rays and other sinister devices were literally all over the room.

Drakken gulped. Could he really keep convincing her that stuff was equipment for recording a radio show?

But Mrs. Lipsky's attentions, it seemed were not fixed on destructions and death…

"Is it love?"

"Pardon, mother?"

"Someone bought you all sorts of stuff for Valentines Day! Oh I knew I'd find out something about your love life if I came over on the day after Valentine's Day! Oh Drewbie, this is wonderful! What's her name?"

"Name… uh.." Drakken was struggling to speak at this point, and Lucre took it upon himself to take over the speaking duties, as it were.

"Your son has lots of admirers, Mrs. Lipsky. He's the greatest."

"Oh he is great isn't he" Mama Lipsky gushed, pleased. "So these admirers… are they girl admirers?"

"I bet at least half are!"

"Since when did my son know this many people?"

"Oh you know, his fans."

"Fans?"

Drakken found his voice at last "Of my radio show mother."

"Oh of course! I'm sure he's very popular."

"Now mother, my assistants and I have a lot of work to be getting on with…"

"Whatsa matter, think I can't take a hint? I'm leaving. Will you be so kind as to walk an old lady to the door?" She asked Lucre.

When he stepped beside her, she whispered something in his ear. Lucre nodded, very seriously.

Drakken might have taken some alarm at that, but his eyes were on the newspaper and the exploits of "Chocolate Sauce" once more.


	2. A Match is Made

Lucre sequestered himself in the closet sized quarters that passed for his bedroom. Although Dr. Drakken's lair was full of vast cavernous space practically without end, Lucre had ended up in an itty bitty room you could barely swing a cat in. (Not that he would want to). Anyway it suited him fine since his rent was practically nil. He had free use of many of the lair's other facilities including the screening room which was practically a movie theatre, a real bowling alley, an olympic sized pool, a jacuzzi, and a recording studio from which to practice his evil rants. Life was good. Another bargain scored for the world's cheapest villain.

He settled into his computer chair (which he got for free on craigslist just for taking it out of some rich guy's apartment), and turned on his most expensive possession: his PC, bought at Smarty Mart 5 years previously. That, he didn't like to reveal the cost of. It pained him to have to fork over so much cash for anything.

But Lucre did make good use out of his computer, which he thought was cost effective. He was a regular on Villainster. In fact he spent so much time on Villainster he made it his home page. But this time he wasn't there to banter with the usual crowd and brag about knowing THE Doctor Drakken, or post messages to Drakken himself despite the fact the Big Guy's lair was his current place of residence. (It felt good to write to Drakken.) Anyway, this time his objective on Villainster was alltogether different.

He looked through the profiles of every female there, determined to find a date for Doctor Drakken.

Mama Lipsky had whispered in his ear and asked him to find her son a date. She said she was encouraged by seeing all the Valentine's gifts bought for him by the fans, and that this would be as easy as pie. What Mama Lipsky didn't say was that the date should be a villainess, but Lucre figured that villanesses were Drakken's type. What with him being a villain and all.

He flipped through various profiles. "Camille, Adrenna, Amy, Shego, no, no, no..." what Lucre needed to find was someone new.

And then it happened. He found a new villainess on the site. And she looked just like Drakken's type: in huge glittery letters at the top of her page it said "I heart Chocolate". So did the Doc, Lucre remembered. "This girl is perfect." thought Lucre.

In her self description she said she was looking for a date or maybe even a boyfriend. "Must like chocolate, be evil, and not mind my glass eye" it said.

Lucre looked over her picture. Not too shabby. Ms. Sauce had a knock out figure and a pretty smile. Angelic looking blonde curls framed her face. Fancy curliqued text at the corner of her picture spelled out the word "Saucy". Lucre didn't think Drakken would mind she had a glass eye. No one was perfect right?

Everything was looking good so far. Now all he had to do was send a message to Ms. Chocolate Sauce on Drakken's behalf and hope for the best.

As if any self respecting villainess would turn down Doctor Drakken, the villain of villains, and Lucre's personal Idol.

He fell asleep with a blissfully innocent smile on his face.

* * *

"You've arranged a meeting between Chocolate Sauce and myself?" 

"She says she has lots of info for you on superweapons."

Lucre had cleared the entire matter with Mama Lipsky in the morning. She said that the girl sounded perfect (Lucre left out the matter of her being a villainess), and encouraged Lucre to do anything possible to get him to meet the girl.

"My Drew's a little teensy weensy bit shy around girls" she explained. "So it's okay if you tell him a few white lies in a good cause! Remember, I want grandchildren. And meeting a nice girl will make my Drew so happy."

So Lucre invented the idea that Chocolate Sauce was a fellow villain willing to give him valuable information, but since Lucre wasn't a very good liar, he hadn't realized how unlikely that sort of behaviour sounded. Villains didn't ordinarily just give their secrets out to other villains without expecting something in return. So naturally Drakken was reluctant to go and needed a bit of coaxing from his good buddy Frugal Lucre. Luckily, Drakken's curiousity and greed when it came to superweapons won him over in the end.

"Hmm... there's no such thing as a free lunch Lucre..."

Drakken cut off the lesser villain before he could interrupt, no doubt with excited shouts of times he'd been able to score freebies.

"I'm not sure if she's put one over you. I thought Chocolate Sauce was a man anyway. That's what it said in the paper."

"She wears a big clunky chocolate bar costume on the job, who was to know what what gender she is."

"Didn't she get captured by Kim Possible and put in jail?"

"Didn't you?"

"Well yes but... nnngggh. Fine, I'll meet this Chocolate Sauce person. But her information better be good Lucre."

* * *

That evening Lucre attempted to get Doctor Drakken to put on a bowtie. 

"Why do I need to dress all fancy Lucre?" He grumbled.

"Because you're going out for a nice meal with a lady"

"Don't make it sound like a date Lucre. This is strictly business."

"Of course! But this is just the way people dress when they go out to a place like Senor Swanky's."

"Senor Swanky's?"

"Kind of an upscale Bueno Nacho, only with the same low prices."

Drakken glared at Lucre. It seemed someone forgot to be sensative when mentioning the restaurant that could only remind him of one of his closest victories... and greatest failures.

But Lucre didn't notice and prodded the Doc out the door. "Hurry up into the flying car! You don't want to miss the early bird special!"

* * *

A/N: This chapter is dedicated to Ninnik Nishukan - have a very happy birthday my friend. Oh and I do not own Kim Possible. 


End file.
